Two gravely existential questions faced me this morning: Shall I bother to get up and if I do, shall I get dressed? Happily Deirdre was in turbo-charged motion and no recalcitrance was permitted. I was bundled into Shaw's Wood to hobble around among the bluebells. We have very pleasant memories of Shaw's Wood at Bluebell time, having walked here year
after year with visitors and the grandchildren. It was pefect for them with safe little by-ways, hidden dells and rotting logs. They could jump out from behind trees, picnic on rocks and romp up and down the peaty paths. The dilating shadows and springtime sun percolating through the leafless trees always gave it a particular photogenic quality and these April excursions invariably featured in the annual calendars. Today the flickering shadows were there and the sunshine but sadly bambles have now overwhelmed the bluebells which were cowering beneath the undergrowth. Deirdre in a philosophical mood said they were being strangled just as Covid-19 is strangling everything.
But two powerfully positive experiences brightened the day. Our first swallow of the year was just where it should be, on an overhead cable, and with my afternoon cup of tea I had a scone with jam and cream.
In our early years in Crich I remember having a sore throat and was firmly advised to take raspberry vinegar. It seemed that every resident could name a complaint or problem for which it was the panacea. So over 10 years ago I wrote The Crich Panacea. Today I felt it needed another verse.
The first time in Crich I had a sore throat,
Or used a tube t’ inseminate a goat,
Sealant to the guttering tried to apply
Or deter mosquitoes and tsetse fly,
Or from bathroom grouting washed the black mould,
I was quickly taken aside and told –
You don’t need no surgery, you don’t need no pills,
You don’t need professionals, you don’t need no skills,
Your aches and your pains, well-being and drains,
Raspberry vinegar cures humanity’s ills.
CHOR: Raspberry Vinegar will bring you long life and great wealth
Fill a glass with it now and raise a toast to itself.
To cure constipation or haemorrhoids,
Deflect meteorites or asteroids,
To marinade tuna, as antifreeze,
Disinfect your greenhouse or stop a sneeze,
Enrich uranium, remove your nail varnish,
Keep cats off the garden, a dressing, a garnish,
Shave hair from your armpits, be moisturised,
I was taken aside and quickly advised –
You can sniff it or snort it, mull it or brew,
Distil it or chill it, swallow or chew,
Inject it, inhale it, download or email it,
Raspberry Vinegar is the thing for you.
For enemas, purgatives – fill a syringe,
Mix it with gin or oil a hinge,
Making gravy or more poshly a jus,
To caulk an old boat or baste a roast goose,
A memory aid when you have dementia,
Or put in a glass to soak your denture,
To clean toilet bowls or brickwork rendered,
I was taken aside and soon recommended –
You won’t need no supplements, vitamins or oil,
You can medicate or embrocate, simmer it or boil,
Make it, prescribe it, filch it, imbibe it,
Raspberry vinegar is the remedy right royal.
To vandal proof drainpipes or cure gangrene,
Fuel for your car, drizzle over ice cream,
Deal with depression and hysterical laughter,
Spike people’s drinks and for the morning after,
Make syllabubs, custard, repair punctured tyres,
Treat wrinkles and acne and extinguish fires.
It will also cure herpes, and cauterise warts.
I was taken aside and imparted these thoughts –
Raspberry vinegar’s the magic of wizard and druid
Your duty is to honour it, preserve it and steward;
So you’ll never die, but in case you do, try
Raspberry Vinegar as an embalming fluid.
So over the years I’ve taken plenty,
But now we’ve arrived in Twenty Twenty.
All these years it has been my sustenance and salvation,
Now recommended by the World Health Organisation.
Raspberry Vinegar is the indisputable vaccine
To eradicate once and for all this Covid-19.
All the finest clinical and pharmaceutical minds converged -
12 weeks isolation in raspberry vinegar – completely submerged.