Oh where are the maidens that now here should sing?
For summer is a-coming today.
They’re all out in the meadows a flowers gathering
In the merry morning of May. (The Padstow May Day Song)
Where indeed are the maidens? Not many of them about in Crich during lockdown, not to mention garlands, maypoles and May Queens. Seasons, Sabbaths, rites, rituals and revels are being suffocated beneath the uniformity of the current regime. But there are all sorts of ways in which we are asserting our claim on community, friendship and individuality. As the people of Michigan riot because they can’t get their hair done, so the denizens of Crich protest in characteristic Crich manner: a mumble, thoughtful fingering of split ends or a very hesitant delegation of the scissors to a partner. Even I have been entrusted with the awesome responsibility of straightening out a fringe. My hands were trembling so much I could easily have taken out a limb and a few eye lashes as well. In case more is needed the battery of the hedge cutter is on charge.
This morning an envelope was delivered through the door. Noting rather anxiously that it was to do with our finances I forgot the normal quarantine period of 72 hours lying on the door mat, picked it up and opened it. I then washed my hands and passed it to Deirdre which necessitated my washing my hands again. She read it and had to wash her hands, passing it back to me who therefore had to wash my hands again. So there are our hands washed up and washed out, dry and flaking looking like a piece of bleached jerky. And these are the fingers that so sweetly strum the ukulele! Never have my various limbs absorbed so much moisturising cream. Now we have the leisure to survey the slow decomposition of our bodies, self-maintenance is becoming a startlingly time-demanding part of the day. Hair has been mentioned and Deirdre still cannot comprehend why an elite squad of SAS hair-dressers has not been helicoptered in. If the army can do virus testing why not a quick trim and colouring. Of course we don’t want to need dentists, chiropodists, reflexologists, psychotherapists, hypnotherapists and reiki thingymebobs at the moment, so we must look after ourselves. Never have I so assiduously flossed and inserted my pink and blue inter-dent brushes, so carefully cut nails, counted carbohydrates and monitored my alcohol intake and the various anatomical functions that make life worth living. We must take control of our own nits and ring worms, ingrown toenails, athlete’s foot and bunions – if we are unfortunate enough to be afflicted in these ways.
After a fairly spiky day yesterday I started today with Rachel’s on-line yoga, At the end of the session I was lying on the floor, back in a well calculated neutral position and feet up on a chair, so comfortable I did consider staying there for the weekend. All the inertia of yesterday had dissipated and I rose up a dynamo of determination and industry. Singing with the Popalong children had me leaping about like a crazed Muppet. The garden didn’t stand a chance as I drew up a very impressive list of jobs to be done and underlined them with a fierce stroke of my pencil. I knew we were having a meal with the Pensons tonight, so the pots were planted, the drive swept, the patio scoured before I realised it would be on Zoom and all they would see was the wall behind us. I really haven’t got used to this yet!
How different was the drive through Matlock to our Click and Collect! The shuttered shops and empty streets, the closed signs on the doors, the lone man smoking in a closed doorway. One could almost feel the desert winds and imagine the tumbleweed blowing down the sandy mainstreet. What is important at the moment? The historian Daniel Todman has written about ordinary life during WW2 and noted that for people living through a critical historical event, “it was often difficult to judge the significance of what was happening. Absorbed in everyday tasks, sometimes they simply missed what was going on. At others, they focussed on the most immediate drama even when it didn’t matter much.” Apparently Gallop-Polling and Mass-Observation were instituted during the crises of the late 1930s to gauge public feeling. Today we have Mass Self-Observation through social media, of which this blog is an example.
But it may not be until our grand children are doing their virtual digital lazar micro-neuron tracing History exams that history will tell us what was really important during 2020, whether it was a re-orientation of global trade, a re-appraisal of business practices, a revolution in on-line retail and communication, new practices in education, revamping of food supply chains, reorganising of public transport systems, an increased ecological awareness, great steps forward in medicine and pharmaceuticals or the total eradication of civilization? Or something no one has thought of. Only history will tell us. But it could be Hair!
HAIR I GO
(All that follows is taken from the labels on some hair products read while I was waiting in the Chemists)
Hey Ho and hair I go
I want hair that glistens when I toss it to and fro
I want blond highlights and jet black roots
I want to be full-bodied so I’m off to Boots
But a distinguished grey is the default effect
So I keep it that way with colour protect
Then each month I check each single hair
Methodically to make sure they’re all still there
And if something’s not right there’s no harm you see
In reading all the labels at the pharmacy.
I’ve tried stuff that will moisturise, volumise and customise
Vitamin F and Loriene G, Frizz protection and Filter UV
Gluco active and Nutriotonic
Crème sublimator if your split ends are chronic
Semi permanent chromative, thermo protective,
I used to use Brylcreem it was far more effective.
I’ve had my hair groomed, sculpted, and re-constructed
Straightened and lightened, pre-lightened, re-finished, hydrated
De-tangled, tailored, shaped and polished, reset and toned, mimetic covered,
Nutri-disciplined, naturally boosted, formula enriched
With
Photo glossor gum, fibre mess, deviation paste or gel
Mythic oil, tonique, cream, wax or fudge or mousse
Grey blended for homme with bain de force
Masquintense cheveux fin
Vita resourced complexe, serie nature
I have been lustrous and voluptuous,
Silky and milky
With a botanical shine, flake free and radiant
With the ultimate body.
Here it is at last I can unearth it
Kills all nits – because you’re worth it.